Is it really true that I can't disable email notifications in Jira? I get way too many emails. I just need a plain and simple "don't send emails".
You could ask your Jira administrator to install and enable the Bug Watcher Notifications add-on. The add-on needs to be configured/enabled on a per project basis (but could be configured as enabled by default on all new projects).
This plugin allows the Jira admin to configure a JIRA project with only a minimum Notification Scheme or none at all, and it lets individual users select their personal notification preferences instead. This includes selecting the individual event types they want to get notified on.